My Opinion on Home Security By: Sage Wang

See how lame these new security keypads are these days?

Buy Roche Valium Uk See how lame these new security keypads are these days? OK, so human security has improved lots throughout the years. But let’s face it; nowadays robbers can easily break into our homes. All they got to do is pick one out of three ways to steal your valuables, which I’ll explain later. But the most important news is, I have a solution! Something that will save you time and money of buying and installing expensive security alarms and keep your family happy. I’ll start with the ways criminals can sneak into your house! For one, all they have to do is guess your 16-digit passcode, and BAM; they’re in your house with no alarms blaring. See what I mean by, that keypad on the front door is completely insecure and useless? You might think, oh, COME ON, they’ll never guess that complicated code, but with a little math, (and a Internet search for number combination calculator because I was too lazy to do the work myself) I figured out there are ONLY 2,092,278,989,000 (2 trillion, 92 billion, 278 million, 989 thousand) combination possibilities the thieves have to try before breaking in! See how unreliable those “new technology security systems” are? The second way that robbers can get in your house is by jumping through the chimney! (LIKE SANTA!) Unlike that jolly fella, though, robbers don’t dress in boots, hats, and red and white lumpy clothes and run around with jingly butts. Plus they don’t give presents. But don’t worry; this method will never work if you just keep a pot of boiling water at the bottom of your chimney. Of if you’re feeling evil you can put some acid in there too. The last method is known as Utter Failure, because that’s what it is. It’s when the robber knows your security is too advanced, will break down your door and try to persuade you too give them your money while smiling and posing when you ask them if you can get a picture of them to send to the police station. Usually you don’t have to worry about this type of burglary. All right, now for the moment you’ve been waiting for. I’m going to show you the LEGENDARY security method to keep robbers away FOREVER. All you have to do is… drumroll please… (RATTATATATATATATTTAT!)… put a My Little Pony doll on your front porch. This works because the criminal will flail around in terror, screaming for help that he or she is being abducted by little rainbow ponies, and faint on the ground. If you really want you can add a voice so that when a person comes near your door, it yells really loud, “WELCOME TO PRINCESS PONY LAND! MEET RAINBOW DASH, TWILIGHT, AND PINKIE PIE! PLUS WE HAVE BEAUTIFUL TEA PARTIES AND BULLY FREE CAKE!” If the robber attempts to plug his ears or kill him or herself, you’ll know why. Now, you know all you need to know about home security! Remember, the key is to use My Little Pony models and put them at the front entrance. Oh, and if a guest comes over and runs away in terror, then too bad. Plus you can do this to your friend’s house when he’s not looking for a April Fools joke. The point is, now you know the secrets of robbery and keeping your home safe. I gotta go now, to refill the batteries on my own screaming Rainbow Dash figurine. Now, you’ll be completely harm free from burglars!